Sitcoms produce a lot of weird dialogue. Sitcom characters are typically unusual and larger-than-life, their situations are unlikely to ever happen, and many of the things characters say are designed to increase the humor of a scene. As such, they generate a lot of odd quotes, whether in or out of context.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine is no different. Following a crew of detectives who are each unusual, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is a hilarious look at a police procedural. Many of Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s strangest quotes are entirely deliberate and hilarious to boot, but they are certainly no less weird for it.
10 “I Will Slit You Both Open From Mouth To Anus And Wear You Like Jackets” – Raymond Holt
Initially introduced as an unflappable, stoic, and unceasingly professional officer, it is made clear that Captain Raymond is every bit as odd as the rest of his team. As he grows closer to his detectives, his professionalism falters. He shows himself to be loving, competitive, and often irrational.
Nowhere is this better demonstrated than the fiercely-competitive Halloween heists, which bring out unusual behavior in all of its contestants. The above quote, from Halloween IV, is the most extreme example of trash-talking that the heists bring out.
9 “I Came Down With A Big Ol’ Dianne Wiest Infection” – Charles Boyle
Of all of the main cast of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Charles Boyle is the weirdest. With unusual hobbies, strange friendships, and a constant stream of unintentional sexual innuendos, Charles is most prone to saying strange things, often accidentally.
The Overmining’s cold open consists solely of a short exchange between Boyle and Jake Peralta. Charles says the above quote after saying he got sick watching Bullets Over Broadway. Brooklyn Nine-Nine gives the viewer ample time to process the oddness of the joke through several seconds of intense, appalled silence before Charles tries to explain the punchline.
8 “Then I Reach Down His Throat And Shake His Hand” – Rosa Diaz
Rosa Diaz’s initial defining trait amongst the Nine-Nine is her intimidating, violent personality. Although a fully-realized and three-dimensional character, Rosa is often the first to suggest violence, and at numerous times expresses her preference for aggressive solutions.
In Old School, Rosa is told to go to her “happy place” to keep her nerves when testifying in court and being grilled by a defense attorney. Rosa imagines a secluded cabin where she is able to torture the attorney. Explaining her fantasy in vivid detail to Charles and Terry Jeffords, she describes the necessary steps to do the above quote, horrifying them both.
7 “She’s A Real Size Queen” – Michael Hitchcock
Commonly found together, Norm Scully and Michael Hitchcock are known for two things: being incompetent, and saying strange and uncomfortable things. In the episode Ticking Clocks, they describe the process of microwaving their lunch to Jake, showing extensive knowledge of the microwave in back-and-forth lines.
Before long, they begin to lace their lines with innuendos about their Mama Maglione’s lasagna. Scully says “it takes a lot to get Mama hot,” before Hitchcock delivers the above quote to cap things off. Jake channels the audience by saying that the exchange began fun, and became “disgusting” quickly.
6 “Tell Me Why!” – Jake Peralta
Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine‘s primary protagonist, is best defined by his immaturity, particularly in the early seasons. Likening everything to pop culture or Die Hard, Jake is irresponsible and easily excited. His antics provide some of Brooklyn Nine-Nine‘s funniest moments.
The cold open to the episode DFW is one of the best-known scenes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and one of the best demonstrations of Jake’s character. Needing to have suspects sing I Want It That Way in a line-up, Jake initially has a veneer of order as he asks them to sing lines one by one. Reaching the chorus, he abandons all pretense and begins to lead the entire group in song, providing a strange but hilarious scene.
5 “Hitchcock Just Drank His Own Fish” – Rosa Diaz
The episode The Mattress has a cold open with a very simple premise. Hitchcock has brought a fish in a plain jar to work, and Scully has brought lemonade in an identical jar. Given the incompetence of the two, the cast immediately begins to bet on which catastrophic outcome will happen first: Scully drinking Hitchcock’s fish, or Hitchcock putting fish food in Scully’s lemonade.
With both of the obvious punchlines out of the way, the audience is left to wonder what surprise the cold open is going to throw at them. When the moment arrives, it is a surprise third option that Rosa states with the above quote.
4 “Wuntch Time Is Over” – Raymond Holt
One of Brooklyn Nine-Nine‘s longest recurring gags is the feud between Captain Holt and his rival, the higher-ranked Madeline Wuntch. The two frequently sling increasingly-inventive insults at one another and seek any chance to embarrass or undermine the other.
In the episode The Stake Out, Wuntch has to give Holt a medal, and he plots the perfect insult to throw. After he is almost convinced to be the bigger man and accept his award graciously, Holt shouts the above quote to a packed room. This is despite his usual tendency to come up with far better insults.
3 “I Wonder How Much Your Appendix Weighs. Oh No, It’s Inflamed” – Dr. Rossi
With the unusual nature of the detectives in the Nine-Nine, it often falls upon Brooklyn Nine-Nine‘s minor and side characters to be relatively normal, giving them fewer weird quotes than the main cast. However, this isn’t true for all side characters, most notably Dr. Rossi. Jake dates Medical Examiner Dr. Rossi in the episode M.E. Time.
Jake discovers that Dr. Rossi has a creepy level of interest in her work, to an extent that often disturbs him. Before having Jake pose as a dead body, Dr. Rossi attempts romantic roleplaying. She says the above line in a deeply delighted tone, leaving Jake concerned.
2 “Not In Syria. They Use It To Induce Labor In Goats” – Charles Boyle
In a show like Brooklyn Nine-Nine, even throwaway jokes can result in startlingly memorable lines. In the episode Yippie Kayak, primarily devoted to an extended Die Hard parody, Charles and Jake discuss a rare soda that Charles bought Jake as a Christmas gift.
Revealing it to be ‘carbonated fudge’, Jake comments that he thought it was banned. Boyle says the above quote casually before moving on. Nonetheless, it’s an inventive, creative, and sheerly weird line that stuck with many fans.
1 “We Give That Dog A Bunch Of Chocolate. It Dies. While Everyone Celebrates” – Amy Santiago
Although somewhat as immature and strange as many of her colleagues, Amy Santiago typically offers some practicality and good sense to balance out her irresponsible cast members. When pushed too far, Amy shows just how weird she can be.
In the episode The 98, Amy works with a colleague whose dog triggers her allergies. Amy becomes increasingly fixated on the dog. When a distraction is required, she immediately offers the above quote. The rest of her team quickly decide not to listen to her suggestion of poisoning the dog.
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