WARNING: The following contains major spoilers for What We Do in the Shadows Season 3, Episode 1, “The Prisoner,” now available on Hulu via FX.
It is a dark time in Staten Island. So says Nandor in his first sit-down confessional at the start of What We Do in the Shadows Season 3. The vampires are having one of their infamous and contentious house meetings. This time Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja and Colin are bickering about whether to murder Guillermo — who Colin apathetically calls Gizmo — or rely on him for protection. After all, he slaughtered nearly the entire Vampiric Council at the end of Season 2, and it was revealed that he’s a descendant of Abraham Van Helsing, their mortal enemy. But he also offed the vampire higher ups because they had sentenced his beloved housemates to death, and technically, he was only trying to save their vampire lives.
Meanwhile, Guillermo is forcibly living in a dungeon cage about the size of cozy studio apartment, complete with a “bucket of shame” for a toilet and room-temperate packages of chicken breasts for sustenance. The emboldened familiar realizes the vampires can’t function without him, and calls them out on it. But rather than use this as leverage, he’s been escaping every morning, only to continue doing their chores and seeing to their every need. He calls himself out, too, for being so co-dependent. He realizes it’s a problem that he’s unwilling to leave the “family” that’s debating whether or not to kill him, according to vampire code.
The housemates are still undecided as to Guillermo’s fate when the Floating Woman, played again by Kristen Schaal, reappears. Guillermo fears she’s been sent by remnants of the council to assassinate them. He frees himself then launches a wooden stake at her. She catches it nonchalantly, then complains that she’s sent 87 ravens to summon them, which is a “big deal to their budget.” They tried calling, but their captive helper wasn’t available to answer the phone.
The Floating Woman brings news in the form of a VCR tape from the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council. Taika Waititi as their leader, Viago, announces via that videotape that one of their oldest laws states that vampires must not kill other vampires. Since the previous heads of the council were attempting to kill them, they broke that law, and Guillermo’s murder of about 70 percent of the tri-state areas vampires is, in the Supreme Council’s opinion, evidence that they’re the kind of people who can get things done. He appoints the four vampires head of the Council for the Eastern Seaboard in the New World.
Nadja views this as an honor and is proud to be a working woman; Colin’s excited about the bureaucracy, but Lazslo is worried it’ll cut into his blood sucking and sexy time. Nandor, however, laments that they’ve still not resolved the Guillermo matter. The newly instated Vampire Council votes not to kill him, but to make him a full-fledged member of the team. He wrongly assumes this means they’re finally going to turn him into a vampire. Instead, they’re promoting him to vampire bodyguard. He’s disappointed, but happy he’s not going to die and he accepts the deal.
To protect themselves from the vampire killer in their midst, the housemates insist they must quadruple vampire hypnotize Guillermo. A single vampire hypnosis can give one the brain scramblies, as happened to their neighbors during the ill-fated Super Bowl party. A quadruple hypnosis is practically unheard of and extremely dangerous. However, Guillermo confesses to the camera that over the years he’s become immune to vampire hypnosis, and goes through the motions whenever they try for the benefit of their fragile egos. But the trick works. They’re all convinced he couldn’t possibly harm them.
Finally, they all make their way to a fluorescent-lit office building, the basement of which is the Vampiric Council’s offices. They’re delighted with the privileges that come with membership, like wraiths that bring warm cloaks out of nowhere. But there’s a catch: while they’re all on the council, only one of them can be the Master of the council. A single, ominously glowing throne sits in the middle of the room, and chaos ensues when Colin Robinson tries to claim it. Now that the vampires have moved into a literal office space, this darkly funny mockumentary seems poised to ape the antics of The Office more than ever. It’s just a matter of which one of them will occupy Michael Scott’s leadership position.
Season 3 of What We Do in the Shadows is finally here. The first two episodes are streaming now on Hulu via FX.
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